Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I don't know what's worse: when I dream about her, or when I don't. Sometimes in my dreams I see her as she once was: young, beautiful, alive, vibrant, and smiling....always smiling. Sometimes I see her in her later years, still beautiful, but tired, weary....The dreams can be so vivid, I can feel, smell, even taste as if in a waking state. But when I wake up, she is not there.
The dreams without her seem to be more frequent these days. I fear that I won't remember, won't be able to feel her again. I worry that the only time I will see her face is in photographs. When she appears in my dreams, I always hug her. It feels so real. If I stop dreaming about her, will I ever have contact with her again on any plane?
Driving alone in the windy darkness last night, I listened to Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" and it made me wonder: Is she anywhere? Does she feel anything? Can she see, hear, think? Is there an existence beyond this life where my mother is....AWARE? I try to balance things in my head. Being the scientist I am, I am forever searching for that balanced equation. It gives order to the universe and reason to our beings. I can't seem to make this life and anything after it balance in my head. Faith and logic escape me now.
As I watched the leaves swirling, whirling in the wild winds last night and felt the air growing ever colder, I wondered if she is cold where she is. I think that maybe I would like to believe she is basking in the sunlight, young again, glowing in the warmth. I hope she is. The last dream I had of my mother before she died is the way I want to remember her. She had risen out of the water in a beautiful one-piece bathing suit, her tall black bouffant hair inexplicably untouched by the water, straight white teeth shining in the sunlight. She was, in essence, reborn. Does this mean she would be reborn after her passing? I yearn to believe I will see her again. I feel her slipping away, ever so slowly, as if it were all a dream. If I could achieve a balance of having her in my dreams and having her in my life I would have less questions. Perhaps not all equations are meant to be balanced.
If only I could know for sure. If I ever see her again, in my dreams or otherwise, I would just like to ask her:
Saturday, May 7, 2011
This is a repeat of a blog I posted on the Victoria Advocate a couple years ago. It's a sad thing that it needs to be repeated, but it is what it is. This time, I HAVE included video of the great songs I mentioned, plus a little Blind Melon (poor Bee Girl - wait, lucky Bee Girl!)thrown in for good measure, so....go ahead, and drown yourself in this great music while the sky steadfastly refuses to open up. At least your ears will be happy.
I remember rain. It's wet, cool, falls from the sky, and when it reaches the earth below, it makes mud that you can squish between your toes and the little ones can make gourmet mudpies from.
The beauty of a good soaking, the demanding clap of thunder on a warm night....these, too, are things that I remember. I recall opening up an umbrella, and hearing the pitter-patter of the drops on the top of the nylon fabric. Those same umbrellas are now collecting a layer of dust in my coat closet. Will I EVER be able to use them again?
I am growing more despondent and desperate by the day for just a shower, a sign from heaven above that Texas has NOT been forgotten nor forsaken by Mother Nature. I don't make my living by depending on what the weather may hold, but many in this area do. Ranchers and farmers have my deepest sympathy, as I cannot imagine how devastating it must be for them right now to be at the mercy of one of the worst droughts in South Texas history.
I have seen anecdotes in other blogs about doing rain dances, dressing in native american garb, praying, and hoping against hope for just a little precipitation. Well, folks, nothing seems to have done the trick thus far. Just what is it going to take? If I knew, I would have already done it. Livestock and animals are suffering, people are cranky, grass is beyond crunchy - it's DEAD. Most of my plants are either wilted or dead, or quickly heading that way. It sounds ridiculous, but the last time I saw rain of any real significance was in November. Oh, no, not here - IN DELAWARE. I had a thought at the time to bring some back home with me just in case, but it was a lighthearted thought at the time. Now, it's gotten serious.
To while away the cloudless, rainless hours, I recommend some groovy tunes - who knows, if we listen to enough "rain" songs together, something might happen, right? I would love to include You Tube links, but truthfully, it's just too depressing. Try "Rain" by the Beatles, a lovely tune that has been in my head for 3 days running now. "Let it Rain" by Eric Clapton is always good for some mellow rock, as is "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. Although it isn't really about rain per se, "Love Reign O'er Me" by the Who off their seminal work "Quadrophenia" is another fine rain tune. In fact, the entire album is amazing from start to finish, and is highly recommended by me.
If that doesn't fill the bill, try watching "Singing in the Rain", a wonderful movie that still doesn't show its age, starring Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Connor, and of course, Gene Kelly. It is a funny, well-done movie, and even though right now the sight of Kelly splashing in the rain might be a little depressing, it is not to be missed! Rock on, kiddies, and keep looking to the sky - there has to be a raincloud out there with our name on it. RIGHT?